About a Boy

The poison within my soul

Courses through my veins.

Day upon day

I work to heal the scares left behind

By such a wretched parasite.

Oh what troubles lie about

Like the bones of wicked men,

Scattered across the barren lands

Set against the futile winds of fate.

A quarrel with the world I possess

And I shall carry it until my day of rest.

Of much pain I can attest

And love’s embrace hath rendered

What little hope to carry my

Spirit from one day to the

Next, but no more and no less.

The double-edged sword deals

A heavy blow for each

Joy with which my heart sings.

A new dawn awaits what

Light yet remains.

I shall whisper not of things to come

For the stars have often silenced

Men of modest speech.

What fortune lies ahead I wonder,

What pleasures shall such a life bring?

The only thing left to do is live,

And to allow my feeble prayers

To bear fruit or to be cast,

Aimlessly, into the night breeze

Where deaf ears place such things.

Inner Spirit

Behind every word I speak,

Behind my hopes and fears,

When I am weak,

And when happiness appears,

I am always guided by one source.

The course

That I am on

Challenges me from dusk till dawn

But my spirit is strong.

A lifelong

Battle I face,

And often I want out of this place.

But one love

Is my guide

And I need not hide

For it will strengthen me.

I shall fulfill who I am suppose to be

With the almighty

By my side.

So I shall cast aside

My pride

And join my brothers and sisters worldwide,

In praise of the message of rastafari.

A Clearing

I came to path in a dark valley,

And it was narrow like a cold alley.

Musty and dusty,

I made my way down this road.

My heavy burdens continually slowed

My treacherous march.

Rising overhead like a Roman arch

Brush made way for a clear path.

Mislead by some devil’s wrath,

I continued hopelessly down this poisonous path.

Finally one day I came to clearing,

And the closer I came nearing,

I started to have this feeling.

A light came appearing,

And its presence alone was healing.

A new path appeared,

But looking at it I feared.

Rocks and stones

Where cast amongst this resting place of bones.

With so many unknowns,

I stopped to rest on my decision.

After my slumber I looked down my

Current path, and had a vision

And saw I would be lucky to scrape by.

Turning to this new route

I still had my doubt

With what I was about

To get into.

But without any clue,

I charged forward,

Into the great unknown.

Knowing it would not be straightforward

I tried not to fear what was not shown.

I am not alone,

But the future’s uncertainty

Has left me prone

To assumed distant certainty.

Love knows no time my dear,

So displace that fear,

Because I am here,

No matter how unclear,

This all may seem.

I once came to a clearing

And the closer I came nearing,

I started to have this feeling.

I chose wisely that day,

And even though I pay

For choices I made,

Some time ago.

I can now say I am not dismayed

For I have I suffered enough to know,

I was meant to find you

And love you through and through.

I once came to a clearing

And the closer I came nearing,

I started to have this feeling.

And I can say I am thankful for that day,

And to God I pray,

To never again let me go down that way. 

Winter

In this winter wonderland,

I am trying to withstand

The evil forces working against me.

Trying to just be

Me without having to conform

Is how I will weather the storm.

The internal pressures to perform

Have often consumed me,

But only because I didn’t want to disappoint thee.

You say the fire is not always there,

But I declare

That you need not beware

For there is something in the air

Whether or not it always seems to be there.

An important decision lies ahead

And every time I go to bed

I pray to God for this shred

Of hope.

I had been on such a slippery slope

And it amazes me still

To think I could find any hope until

You came along.

Stay strong

And just sit back and listen to those beautiful songs.

As the day of the savior’s birth nears,

The sign of celebration and cheer appears.

Gifts of thanksgiving and joy

Come in the form of a new toy.

What I want for Christmas can’t be bought in a store,

Or wrapped in wrapping paper.

What I adore

Is much greater.

On just a hope and a prayer,

I wish you would see in me

What I see in thee.

Sleep well my rose

And enjoy this bit of poetic prose

For my love has chose

And of this I do compose.

Rainy day

Grey clouds may be closing in

But I have faith that love shall win.

The aches and pains shall cease

For my love shall never decrease.

Rise from thy bed

Fair maiden

And look at the road

Ahead. The path may be laden

With obstacles and such,

But don’t run away and use those as a crutch.

In thy sickly hour,

I pray for thee to find thy strength and power.

Stay strong my dear,

Like the rose.

Let your thorns strike fear,

But you pedals bring cheer. 

I have not written any prose

So beautiful as you.

Do not let fear become true,

And please find it in your heart to love me too.

Second Family

Four brothers and rose

Compose my second family who chose

To stick by me even while I struggle with some woes.

I suppose

That those

People will always be important to me.

I shall always be in debt to thee

And I will guaranty

My unwavering loyalty.

Oh what great times we have spent,

And how time went

By,

But no one can deny,

Even when we say goodbye

We will always be nearby.

No matter how things go

Our relationships will continue to grow.

And although

We have our differences every now and then,

Such impediments shall be stifled again and again.

Upon my day of rest,

I shall claim myself blest

To have known such amazing people.

From the steeple,

My last song shall ring,

And for that moment I shall feel like a king.

Football Game

I see you standing there,

Happy and enjoying life without a care.

After a long week,

It appears as though you have found sweet relief.

My outlook on life has been bleak,

And thoughts of hope are marred by disbelief.

After the few minutes I actually get to talk to you,

I am left with trying to subdue

My thoughts of failure and shame.

I try not to complain,

I try not to go insane.

I try so hard not be a pain.

I know I am not anywhere near the main

Importance in your life so I maintain

My restrain

To venture into your school domain.

My love will never wane

And I would follow you to Spain

If I had to.

You just look so at peace with your friends

And it seems as though they provide something I can never give.

No matter how hard I spend,

I always seem to relive,

Moments of pain and sadness.

In all this madness,

You saw past all the badness,

And gave me a second chance.

I can’t dance,

And I am new to romance.

I wait by the phone every morning

Hoping you will call.

I love to hear your voice say good morning,

And when you apologize for nothing at all.

Waiting is my new occupation

And I hope my day of liberation

Comes soon.

So for now I will just have to sit and look at the moon,

And tell you I love you and hope to see you soon.

BU

My name is demar

And I partied like an all-star.

I went too hard

And now I’m just another washed up bard

Who has been left scarred

By my own disregard

For life.

Now internal strife

Is my destined life.

Sleepless nights

And endless fights

Have reached greater heights

And brought new insights

Into my mind.

I struggle with the grind

And I am stuck in such a bind

That it feels like I am behind

The eight ball.

What I would give to be back in the dinning hall,

Sitting up against the common room wall,

And trying to recall

How last night was such a close call,

But even more seeing you all.

I will be back next fall,

So don’t be sad at all.

Boston has not seen the last of me,

And only good things are what I foresee.

I shall bask in the SoCal sun,

And follow my heart’s true course.

I am in it for the long run,

And I do so with no remorse.

Peace

Everywhere is war,

Yet what are we fighting for?

The sick and poor?

Lines on a map and religion is more

Like it. People die every day

So that some politician can say

We protected our ideals so that we may

Live in comfort and peace.

Brothers and sisters I pray

That we cease

The violence.

This is not time for silence.

Let love

Be free like the dove

From above,

And guide us to freedom.

No longer shall past identities keep us from 

A better future.

There shall be no winner or loser,

So drop your guns and knives

And go home to your wives.

There will be no more battles,

So don't expect any last death rattles.

This will be the day,

That heaven on earth will be on display.

Confusion

Confusion is what plagues me,

And you hold the key.

Each day I say I love thee,

You only agree

And never say it back to me.

How can this be?

What do you not see?

I don't make this decision lightly,

Not even slightly.

When you smile so brightly

I want to hold you tightly.

When you say on paper

That I fit the mold,

I can’t see any deal breaker

So it’s hard understand why things are on hold.

You are always busy,

And it would make anyone else dizzy.

If what you say is true,

And I do believe you,

Then why not pursue

This?  What do we

Got to lose?

Do you not agree?

Or am I someone whose

Good enough but

Always shut

Down.

I love thee so much,

And I hate to see you with a frown.

Just give me this one chance to touch

Your heart and to be with me.

If God could grant me one thing

I wouldn’t have to think long you see.

I would ask for eternal spring

Because you my rose would always be

With me.

Protégé

My protégé 

Living like me

Back in the day.

Trying to be

Like Scarface,

Tearing up the place.

The world is his,

And there is

No one to hold him back.

He is on the attack

And will not settle for being a hack.

I see myself in him,

And that lifestyle is grim.

I won’t let him make the same mistakes,

So he won’t have to suffer the same aches

Of being the outcast.

He will outlast

And outclass.

The top is where he is headed,

And hearts will be melted.

At the end of the day

The competition will decay

And he will be at play.

So sit back and relax,

And take a load off your backs.

You need not check up on your girl

Cause that pearl

Already left you.

So welcome to the club

And join the queue.

His empire is here to stay,

So step out the way.

One Love

Is this love that I'm feelin,

Because baby I need some spiritual healin.

After all this reelin,

There ain't no way I'm dealin

With any concealin.

My back is against the wall,

And I am afraid to fall

Back into the bottomless pit.

I must admit,

Sometimes I feel like I am waiting in vain,

And my brain

Suffers from immense pain.

But then I make way

For the positive day.

Three little birds

Sing such beautiful words

Of hope and wisdom.

A buffalo soldier I had become,

Longing to be back where I was from.

So turn your lights down low

And let me tell you what I know.

I want to love you and treat you right,

Every day and every night.

When you hold me tight,

You make me feel alright.

You satisfy my soul

And fill the vacant hole

In my heart.

I got one love

And it’s been yours from the start.

So let go

And let love show

What few know.

Letting go

With each beat

My heart meets

Its match.  Concrete

And complete,

You push me to the limit.

Every minute

I spend with you,

I undue

All the years of loneliness.

A certain aura of coziness

And warmth surrounds your beautiful soul.

The black hole

That took control

And played its role

Has finally finished taking its toll.

Weathered and beaten,

You accept me for me.

You are a beacon

Of hope, and I truly love thee.

Words may just be words

Unless they have some backing.

Before the birds

Rise to welcome the morn with their singing

I am bringing

My love in tangible form.

Amidst my own personal storm

I go against the norm

And do not conform.

Under your warm

Gaze I perform

The only way I know how.

I avow

Right now

I would follow thee

To the ends of eternity

Just so I could hold you tight

And tell you every little thing is gunna be alright.

Sleep well now my dear

As my voice tickles your ear.

Your rock is here,

So let go of your fear.

End of the Day

Standing there in the doorway,

After such a long day

You still look so beautiful

Even after just coming back from the courtroom fray.

Legally you may be a juvenile,

But you will always be a woman to me.

I smile with such glee

At thee,

For no words can describe how lucky it is to be

Me.

Maybe I am just gutsy

Or maybe the stars have finally aligned for me.

I am just a poor boy

Trying to employ

My heart’s joy.

Stunning and sweatpants don’t always mix,

But in your case they transfix

Me upon your true beauty.

I feel it is my duty

To express what perfection

I see.  I try so hard for your love and affection

And time does foster such connection.

Sleep well my dear

And do not fear

The hour to rise may be near

And the future also unclear.

Just know I will always be here

To whisper sweet nothings into your ear.

VII

Can life get anymore crazy?  I am constantly followed by the shadow anger and sadness wherever I go.  Stalked like the hunted, my only reprieve is at the bottom of a bottle of rum.  Countless nights spent sleeplessly searching for answers and days spent sleeping away what was once a promising life.  What was once a normal existence has become the isolated.  I am easily attached to those who wish to lend a helping hand, but what they don’t realize is they bring me down even more.  I am so alone and with each passing minute I ponder why I am still here.  There is so much to live for, yet there is so much to die for too.  My future success has no merit to me anymore.  Why does one person get to decide why I am successful or not?  I wish I could just get in a car and drive for a while not looking for anywhere in particular to go.  I want to be free of these bonds that chain me.  I wish I could look out from the cell window and see the ocean in all its majestic wonder.  I wish I could feel each grain of sand between my toes as I would casually saunter along the waterfront and smell the sea air with its almost palpable saltiness.  That is the place where I would like to live and die.  But that place is so far away from where I am now.  I can only dream and ponder such places.  A concrete jungle is where I am destined to be, as it seems, forever.  To stop is to die and to think is to be out casted.  To survive you have to become master of the game and play by their rules.    I follow them now because I have nowhere else to go and I feel as though I will never be able to jump ship and swim ashore.  The storm that has engulfed the ship is starting to slowly drag her down.  The waters are treacherous and there is no land in sight.  Any sight of land would be the savior of me.   Oh what troubles life has brought.  Time has now become the judge of all.

V

Happiness is a bottle of vodka and a smoke.  Motivation to do anything has all but gone.  Physically I feel ill and mentally I feel drained.  Happier days seem so long ago and darkness has replaced them.  I feel so alone, even among good friends.  Gathered around good company, I can only fake smiles and laughs.  Funny Italian accents and late night pizza can’t even bring me up.  Life has become a waiting game; me waiting for my mind to finally give into the enemy.  Why me?  What did I do to deserve this?  Why must my talent bring so much pain?  My face now shows how I currently feel.  My weathered and battered look gives warning signs to those around me.  Even those who can and do try to help can only watch on as I fight alone.  I so wish I could tell you what is wrong, but I don’t know.  I’m trying to defend against every demon or parasite known to exist.  Like a doctor, I try to find the cure by process of elimination.  I am fighting figments of my imagination with nothing more than a pen.  Oh what chance do I have?  I need help, but who can really help me?  Who will truly understand me?  Life has me stranded at a crossroads between sanity and insanity.  I want to be happy and without pain, but I also want to continue what I’ve started.  Life or art?  Boring or creative?  Life may seem the easy choice yet I find it hard to decide.  For now I will blindly trudge on into the black abyss.  Sometimes fighting for hopeless causes is better than nothing at all.

IV

I do not know if it is dark or light outside anymore.  I have just become accustomed to saying good morning to the night.  These words the fill this page are a direct window into my soul.  They are the sleepless demons that surround me.  They are the phantoms of suffering which want me dread.  My mind is a cell where I am trapped and I have no elaborate scheme to initiate my escape.  My gift is my curse; my genius is misunderstood.  Each day I live fosters more demons for me to be ravaged by.  I wonder what hell is like?  I wonder if it is anywhere close to what I feel some days?  Can I ever rid myself of this parasite?  Do I know some truth that others miss?  Or have I already lost control over my mind?  Can better days be on the horizon?  Life feels long while we live it, but short when we think about it.  Long nights of sleepless thought have provided me some truth.  The truth is that life is not short or long.  It is in fact not anything connected with time.  Life is what drives us to just survive.  To live is to be.  To die is to be forgotten.  The mind tells us that things are passing slowly or quickly when it really hasn’t.  To think of life is to avoid death.  Death shall unshackle us from the chains of biased or tainted reason.  Wisdom cannot be attained until we have gone.  Life is spent on frivolous activities, which drag us along until we are six feet under.  If we can just master the mind and look into the soul we will find pure truth.  The truth shall set our minds free.  Upon death we shall smile, because that light that finally leads us from the darkness will bring upon us what we have always been seeking.  I am not so sure what I really want from this life.  The constant lies have brought me down long enough and I want the truth.  Inner peace is what I seek, so I hope my journey will lead me there; sooner rather than later.

Plea

I must confess this is all new to me,

For I have been alone for life’s entirety.

I try not to bother thee,

But I am not entirely

Sure of how to do such things.

Being away from you stings,

Because your presence alone brings

Such joy to my heart that it sings.

Love is often seen as too fickle,

But to me it is not something fearful

Rather it is something blissful.

I know I need to give you time,

To sort things out on your own.

Just know that I would climb

Over any obstacle to be with you, and you alone.

I tell my friends all the time,

That I don’t want to lose you.

And I arrived at this conclusion,

Because I want you, through and through.

I try to be subtle with my allusions,

But then again I would be such a liar

If I were to say that were completely true.

I have waited my entire

Life, to love someone like you.

I do not hide from the word love,

And you of all people know this.

I fear that I speak of

Love too often, and maybe it has lost its bliss.

I love you so my rose,

And every thorn and blossom you possess.

And this is why I have chosen to compose

Such a piece as this. 

Rules

A black sheep I am,

The rules of the norm do not apply to me

Because I wont follow them

Or else I would lose sense of what it is to be,

Me.

Oh dear you see,

What problems I foresee,

This choice to be so eloquently

In defiance of thee.

I fear not the backlash

Because this is not a slapdash

Decision.

There will be no revision

Cause I have chosen my words with precision

And there is no indecision.

Like it or not

This is who I am,

So either take your shot

Or join in the praise my man.

At the end of the day

I am going to do it my way

So say what you are going to say

But just know I will not obey, ok? 

Confession of a Woman

Oh what lives we live,

And secrets we hide.

I must forgive,

For what I love I keep by my side.

It is in my nature you see,

To conceal what is most dear to me.

You may be too shy,

But you are such an amazing guy.

I pray every night,

That you stick with the fight.

You break down my walls,

And see right into my soul.

I am not one who usually falls,

But love has played its role.

Even when I am not with you,

I am always thinking of thee.

So if what you say is true,

Let what shall be, be.

Let love be our guide,

And life shall take care of the rest.

You may have to learn to keep in stride,

But you are still my heart’s best. 

Bookstore

Walking amongst the aisles of books,

I see the way you look at me.

Standing there with your amazing looks,

I am left completely speechless in front of thee.

Hand in hand,

We read silently.

Trying desperately to withstand,

The urge to laugh so violently.

With those gentle eyes,

And that kind smile.

I can do nothing more than improvise,

For my original plans are thrown out along with my old style.

Your soft lips caress my heart,

And your warm embrace heals my soul.

To know you cared from the start,

Makes my life feel under control.

The more anxious you get,

The better I know.

Secretly you admit,

The more you love me so.

Union

Each day is a new adventure,

On this roller coaster of life.

I may seem to always be at leisure,

But really I am in internal strife.

The soothing sounds of your voice,

Comfort me during my daily struggles.

I have not chosen this life by choice,

And I would gladly end these troubles.

My world would be so empty,

If your love were not here presently.

My time with you has not been lengthy,

But long enough to speak of you so eloquently.

A fool I was sometime ago,

To just let you walk away.

There is one thing I now know,

I was meant to find you again one day.

These blind eyes have been healed,

And your beautiful soul is all I see.

My love for thee shall never yield,

And the fruits of our union are what I foresee. 

Moment in Time

Wandering the old corridors and driving on the familiar streets is eerily foreign.  I feel as though nothing has changed yet everything has changed.  Old friends comment that I look different yet I wear basically the same clothes plus I have the same haircut.  Am I really that much different or is it just that I haven’t seen them in four months?  So much has happened in such a short amount of time that places I used to feel most comfortable have an odd feel to them now.  I no longer feel any connection to what I used to be.  I am just a visitor rather than a homegrown resident.  It is almost like I left for years rather than a few months.  My sense of time and date are so out of sync that for all I know it could be the middle of May rather than the beginning of December or 11am rather than 11:50pm.  I struggle through each day with its highs and lows.  I am trying to be strong and not give in, but most times I am left crippled by the pain.  Lying hopelessly alone, no one is around to comfort me.  I cry out in all my misery and agony for anyone at all, but there is never a response.  I just want to better again; I just want to better for my family, friends, and my love.  I want to be the promising young man they saw blossom before their eyes in years past.  With all the pieces to the puzzle of my life broken and scattered on the floor, I can’t help but feel that I may never be able to put it back together.  Oh what challenges life brings us.  Moments of purity are what I long for.  A moment where the earth stands still and you are filled with eternal happiness.  Moments like that are rare and only happen every so often.  People worth sharing that moment are even harder to find.  While I was blinded by youth’s ignorance I almost let such a person go.  This compassionate soul found me when I was about to give up on life and has changed my life forever.  She has become so much more than a guardian angel and friend.  Oh how I long to be with her.  With kind words she brings me closer to her and with a short but heart felt kiss we are connected for a moment in time that shall never be forgotten.   As the night grew older and I held her hand in mine and she rested her head on my shoulder, a moment, which I have been searching for, occurred.  Time stood still for just one moment, but it was just long enough for me to know that this woman is truly amazing.  

Garden

why do I love thee so?
more than the world shall ever know.
my fear and doubt plague me more so,
than the world needs to know.
to see you in full bloom,
is to witness perfection.
I may be trapped in this room,
but I always feel your affection.
a heart of gold and kind eyes,
you embrace me with your radiance.
even though I was addicted to highs,
you always showed me compassion and patience.
I may have been pathetic and lonely,
but somehow I found such a rose as rare as you.
I may not have always acted so boldly,
just know that I didnt want to hurt you.
I love you,
and I want the world to know.
so let these words be true,
and let our garden grow.

Vicious Cycle

I am so exhausted, yet my brain continues to run in circles, which provides me with enough energy to still be awake.  Sleep is apparently only for the happy and the dead.  I wish I could say the last time I had a decent nights sleep but it has been far too long ago for me to recall.  Lately I have still felt alone even though I am closer with more than I ever have been in my life.  It is as though happiness is being dangled in front of my nose, but I am not able to grab it.  The more I try the worse it seems to get.  Uncertainty and indecision torture me until I have no more strength to stand.  I have no energy anymore and few things actually make sense.  Does anyone really want me?  Does she even love me?  I fear the worst and nothing can comfort me.  The more and more positive news I hear the worse and worse I feel.  What would cheer anyone else up only adds more fuel to the already rampant fire.  You say I’m good enough yet there is always a but.  The youthful vigor, which coursed through my veins, has been replaced by poisonous doubt.  I see anything positive as twofaced or I have to break it down until there is nothing good about it anymore.  Analyzing and re-analyzing have become my daily tasks.   The famine created by my mind has decimated the fruits of happiness.  I am trapped behind the cold steel of isolation and my only comfort is the row of iron bars, which say nothing more than hello and goodnight.  Looking out my cell window, I see way off in the distance my Spanish rose.  Oh how I miss her so.  She is in bloom this time of year and I want to be there to pick her so she can always be with me.  I cherish everything about that rose.  With every winter storm and summer drought she still stands as vibrant as ever.  There is no other rose like it and I only want her.  I have walked many miles, but I am willing to go to the ends of the earth if that’s what it takes to have this rose.  Until that day I shall be enslaved to fear and doubt; until then I will not be free. 

II

To even write this word makes my hand tremble.  To even think of such a thing at a time such as this would seem crazy.  FEAR.  What is fear?  It has so many forms that only someone much wiser than I could come close to describing it.  It stalks me like a shadow.  Consistently there even in my brightest moments.  I’m suppose to be having the time of my life, yet there is this thing, this creature that creeps up on me.  I suffer from it like it is the plague.  I cannot shake this illness even when I kill the source from which it came.  I have even left the very place from which was born, and yet it has found the means in which to follow me.  Prosperity always seems to be met with some misfortune and every success is met with a failure.  Oh God why have you forsaken me with this?  He never seems to be home to respond to my constant pleas.  I am left alone then on the dark side of the moon left to stare into the abyss, which never seems to end.  Is there a light out there for me?  Is there a cure for this raging cancer before it consumes what is left of me?  All hope is not lost yet.  Deep within me there is some life.  That small bit of magic will not go quietly.  I may be lost among the rows of tombstones, yet I am carrying a lamp and only need a match to lead me from here.  The search may be bleak, but I can’t give in; at least not without a fighting till the end. It has been hard to keep fighting lately.  The walls of security, which enclosed my life, have started to slowly crumble.  The invading forces are gaining ground every day and the defense is growing weaker.  The light that was once radiant is one breeze away from being blown out.  I have often thought about what happiness might actually feel like; what it would be like to wake up and smile about life and all it has to offer.  I feel as though I will never achieve this like other before me have.  Along my journey I have lost too much of myself to recover fully.  If you happen to be walking around on a beautiful day and happen to witness life’s perfection, please I beg of you to savor it; if anything at least for me.  The sunshine of your soul in that moment shall smile upon me and help me gather the pieces of mine.  If not, then pray for me while I’m consumed by an enemy which has seldom been defeated.  Wish me luck brothers and sisters as I make my final stand.  For I do this alone and I’m afraid that my courage has just about run out.  

Rose

Endless golden fields and rolling hills are the backdrop to this latest twist.  I am starting to believe that I am a resident of this country rather than any one city or specific location.  Miles upon miles of glimmering horizons filled with never ending grassland.  The highway is my only place of refuge.  Flying down the highway I have but one mission and that is to be near my old home again.  Oh how I want to see the familiar stores and people, to know most of the streets so I don’t need directions, and to know where my sanctuaries are.  Driving up to my house was an eerie feeling.  Memories that I had blocked from my brain suddenly began to blossom before my eyes like the rose garden I used to play around in my front yard. My memories from childhood are filled with more sadness than happiness, which is quite depressing.  Looking at myself in the mirror I cannot see any promise or hope.  I am a walking failure and no matter how much I care or try nothing seems to work out.  Upon arriving home, I had to first see my Spanish rose.  Her beauty was at its devastating best and her smile played with the strings of my heart.  In the bitter cold of evening, I tried so hard to be perfect for her and yet I fell so short of that.  I know she cares about me, but is there more?  Does she feel the may I feel?  Did she not feel something when I held her hand in mine?  Every time I watch her leave I die a little inside.  Her countenance is so upbeat and lively that without her love I feel so empty.  Actions speak louder than words, but the right words can be just as powerful.  When our lips locked I felt like I was worth something again.  I may have finally found my true place of residence, but will I be allowed in?  The walls around her heart are built with thick blocks of stone and only a true Michelangelo can sculpt his was through.  I will chisel away as best I can for maybe my creation will be good enough in her soothing eyes.  My fate has yet to be sealed, so for now I shall continue on my course and pray the winds of success and failure blow in the direction of the former.

Out of Control

My mind feels so scattered like marbles being dropped and rushing in every direction.  It’s like I am internally going through every emotion possible, but at lightening fast speed.  Like watching a movie in fast forward, I am so confused about what’s actually going on.  I feel as though I’m actually going insane.  Is this how it really feels?  Like a multi-colored bouncy ball, my thoughts and emotions are colliding with my insides.  I feel so cold all the sudden and my senses have become heightened.  The dimly lit room has suddenly become so much more alive.  Why is it that just when I’m starting to feel a little better I’m abruptly pulled right back into this world of darkness.  Is this something I will always live with?  Will the shadow of doubt and fear continue to be with me every step of the way?  I feel as though my life has become so crazy it is like I’m behind the wheel of a car spinning out of control on ice; no matter what decision I make the car will still probably crash.  A grave and epitaph are already being selected for me.  The faint sounds of the trains that pass by my window remind me of freedom; freedom to move and freedom to live.  I am so trapped now that a bottle of alcohol or a rolled joint is where I would like to be right now.  As the prophet said, only I can unlock myself from this mental prison.  But the key is hidden in the dark and I have no light with which to find it.  I am scared that I may never find it and I will continue to be a lost soul forever.  Until my day of endless rest I shall search.  I pray you don’t have to share the same fate my friend because days of ceaseless anguish and suffering lay ahead of me.  This is the true fate of a lost soul.

Monitored

When shall this living nightmare come to an end?  My fears about being here are starting to come true.  Like a newborn child I am kept within visibility and earshot at all times.  The only time I am alone is at night and even then they are sleeping so close to me.  My every step and breathe throughout the day is recorded and analyzed.  I want to run away and be free again.  I am a caged bird that yearns to spread its wings and never return to this house of imprisonment.  I am dying slowly while I am here and I am losing time.  Soon I shall be a walking skeleton and nothing more.  I want to be able to feel love and happiness, but I can’t here.  Will I ever find such a person if I leave here?  So many people miss me and I share their feelings, but there is nothing I can do and I feel so hopeless because of it.  Why does it hurt so much to be happy?  Why does it hurt so much to try to love?  The only life I see right now is me, this pen, this paper, and a bottle of rum.  I have failed my parents, family, and friends.  I have failed everyone who ever had faith in me that I was a quality person.  Each and every day I have tried so hard to be the best I could be, but I have fallen so short of that now.  Who wants to love an alcoholic?  What potential does a pothead have?  I am the scum of the earth.  The faith that I kept so close to my heart for eighteen years has crumbled away like an eroded rock and has since been replaced by the closest thing to religion, Bob Marley.  I don’t know what to believe anymore or say or do.  What does this crazy world want from me?  What purpose am I suppose to serve?  I am losing the only sane part of my mind left.  I hope I can leave this place soon; I hope I find a way out.

Emptiness

I feel so empty now without alcohol and marijuana, like an empty piggy bank; if you dropped a quarter into me you could hear the clank as it the bottom and the incessant rattle until it finally came to rest.  I have jitters and twitches throughout the day as I fight the urge to use.  Walking through the grocery store today all I could see was the alcohol.  All I could see were the vast wine choices, beer, gin, rum and my good friend vodka.  I could not look away until I had scoped out each and every brand as well as each and every size bottle available for that brand.  Even on the drive home all I could see were liquors stores or alcohol advertisements.  I feel as though I am trapped by these thoughts of drinking and smoking.  Even when I am able to see a great friend and hang around with him, I still end up walking home sad.  What is to become of me?  Will I ever be happy?  I wish I had a crystal ball so I could see that down the road I’m fine and everything works out.  Right now I can only see as far as the present.  The future is so far away and out of touch.  The sad truth about my life right now is that I can’t even trust myself.  There is a force, greater than I, which has manifested itself in me ad is reeking havoc.  Like a parasite it multiplies and even finds ways to be reborn when an anecdote is found.  I am a carcass left in the desert to rot and be picked at by nomadic vultures.  Another day has gone and that means another day sober.  Another day survived and another day lived.  

VI

Sometimes I wish I could just run away and never come back.  Why do I even matter?  School means nothing.  All I do is get grades by someone else’s standards.  Life means nothing anymore.  I am always filled with rage and hatred.  At the slightest misstep I lash my venom in the direction of a helpless victim.  What did they do to really deserve that?  I want to be surround yet still feel alone, so why not just be alone?  If I could leave this place where could I go?  I am wandering aimlessly in the valley of darkness with nothing to help me.  Sanity is a word I often ponder.  I don’t think at any point in my life I have ever been sane.  Not once have I ever felt normal, not once have I ever felt like I’m ok.  Writing is the only thing I have and yet not even it satisfies me.  I am never good enough or worthy enough at anything.  I may act all high and mighty on my throne above the rest peering down among the lowly, but really I feel as though my talents lack any merit at all.  My true masterpiece has yet to form and in my desperate search for my potential greatness I have to toil in the calamitous efforts of my failings.  To dream is to know and not live, but to live is to know and wish it could have been dreamt.  The forces of good and evil take to the fields of war inside me.  With each turn in the battle I change myself.  The tides of war control me.  The master of the house has taken leave to hover over these bloody proceedings.  Oh what violence men make.  The spirit of my soul has been stolen by the gatekeeper, locked away never to be returned.  I live every day in a prison cell unable break through the iron bars.  Time has become so blurred that days feel like weeks and weeks feel like days.  I have been gone from the land of my fore fathers for some time now and yet I feel as though I may have never lived there.  Nothing is as it seems.  The light of day feels warm and honest, spreading happiness to those who bask in its unrelenting splendor.  Yet the monotony of darkness has been bearer of wisdom.  Maybe the light hides its faults with its flashiness and sparkling awe?  Maybe the darkness is the true source of wisdom for which I have been seeking on my quest?  Either way I must enter the rabbit hole to find the answers I seek and am I prepared to do this? I am not ready for this but I am going to go through it anyways.  When I get to the end I will let you know how far this hole really goes.

III

Master of my domain and keeper of darkness, I own the night.  I am pestilence and famine.  I am the watchman of eeriness.    I trudge through the valley of darkness searching for lost souls who have fallen off the beaten path.  These pitiful creatures are quite easy to round up.  Often isolated amongst the facade of norm; they are truly trapped even though they appear free.  Some are still afloat by means of lifelines, but even they are dragged down easily into the murky seas.  Captains of hope make efforts to go on rescue missions to save those who have started to sink below the waterline.  But those who have already gone under are considered too far gone to save.  Swill merchants, don’t they know that too far gone doesn’t mean just submersion.  Each layer breaks down a different part of what it is to be you.  I take things slow in order to make one suffer long drawn out pain; the kind that never really leaves even after reaching safety.  I am empowered by your relapses and take joy in haunting you when times seem good.  I tick like a time bomb awaiting my time to explode.  Your tears are the elixirs of my life.  Like cancerous tumors, I spread without warning and strike with deadly force.  To ignore me is to ignore oneself completely.  I am you; I become you; I consume you.  I am now your personality and your only friend.  Only one force can combat me.  The mind is a force to be watchful of.  He can be manipulated into an ally or turned into a foe.  He is a wavering force that has no bounds or limits.  To know him is to master oneself.  To ignore his power is either arrogance or foolishness on my part.  I know many ways in which to deceive him because of many years of practice, which has made me quite good at it.  Nothing but mastery of self can over come my grasp.  I travel swiftly and allow no safe havens.  I am what bumps in the night and what is waiting around every corner.  I am the darkness…I am fear

Opportunity and Fear

On the doorstep of opportunity I knock with uncertainty and doubt.  I have never been so certain in my life yet the fear, the fear of failure, continues to creep into my mind.  What if I'm not good enough?  What if I'm wrong?  The burden of fear has cast an overwhelming shadow upon me and my mind has once again been chained to the walls of insecurity. I want to reach the promised land and enjoy the purity of life.  Oh how I long to be loved as I love.  My life has finally inched in the right direction, but my troubled past continues to slow my progress.  My life is crumbling around me before my very eyes. Rome may not have been built in a day but it was destroyed in one.  My scruffy beard masks the scares of my childhood so nobody can see them.  Hope is so fickle that it isn't even worth trying to gain it anymore.  The only certainty in my life is uncertainty.  Anything that seems set in stone is really just etched in pencil.  Each day I struggle to cope with the ever-changing currents.  My livelihood hangs in the balance on the tip of a fine needle.  The stock market graphs don’t hold a candle to the violent undulating roller coaster I call life.  Who would have thought that I would end up like this?  Only the sweet voice of tenderness beckons me back to the light.  Her flowing locks brush against my tormented face and her eyes pierce my crushed spirit.  I am so vulnerable and yet I don’t seem to care.  Her smile lifts me up so that I may be closer to the sun rather than grovel along the ground for mere rays of light.  My poetic tongue is cut off by her mere presence leaving me with nothing to do by smile back at her.  Such a fair maiden as tenderness would make the likes of Aphrodite jealous.  While I may be a pauper the one thing I do have to offer is my heart.  I hope she accepts it or else I don’t know what to do.  I may just run away to some distant shore and live my days as isolated craftsman perfecting my art.  What shall life bring me next?  What more can be thrown at me?  Is it finally my time to be on the favorable side of this madness?  

Sea of Hope

The greatest crime against humanity is the invention of time.  Without it the world would be a simpler place and we could all live in peace.  But with it we are trapped into thinking that our lives revolve around time.  Life is not 9 am meetings and 3 pm conference calls.  Life is truly lived in moments when time has no bearing and we absorb our truest sense of being.  In those moments we are alive and for the rest of our existence we struggle to find another moment like it just so we can be reminded that we are actually alive rather than already having a foot in the grave.  Capitalism and industrialization have killed the human spirit.  At heart we are truly nomadic travelers who seek nature’s perfection.  While forests are being cut down so houses can built and while funding for parks declines seemingly every elections because policies on war and taxes take precedent.  What have we done with this world we live in?  The greedy hands of powerful men who want nothing more than to be re-elected taint anything beautiful or pure.  Everyday we waste away our last outposts of sanctity we are inching closer to losing our bearings of what it means to be.  To sit along the rocky coastline and watch the waves crash with such violent grace until the sun fades beyond the horizon is where I will always be.  To feel the sand between my toes and sink into the soft surface with each step as I turn my back from the sea and head farther up this oasis.  As night approaches all becomes quiet and the sounds of silence enter the fray.  The water rushing onto the sandy shore and the gentle breeze humming so sweetly in my ear make up a chorus of tangible tranquility.  Lying down in the sand and looking up at the numerous lights dashed across sky I become completely lost amongst the endless frontier of dark and light with the luminous moon being my only point of reference.  As the stiff sea breeze flutters the salty air through my nose I become alive.  It is as though I have inhaled the elixir of life.  A moment like this is what keeps the spirit hopeful.  It has been some time since I have lived and I yearn to do so while I have youthful ignorance on my side.  Treasure the life you find because soon there will be nowhere to find it.  Soon we may be doomed to the concrete jungle, which grows stronger each and every day.  It is never too late to start living, so be free and find yourself.  The longer we wait the closer we get to being another victim of society’s curse.  To dare to live is to dare to love, so rise young soldier and find thy truest sense.  Happiness is temporary, pain is everlasting, and love is essence.  The road is long and arduous but each step taken towards love is a step towards life.  We are what we love so if we love pain it shall define us.  But if we love goodness and harmony then we shall achieve nature’s perfection.