VI

Sometimes I wish I could just run away and never come back.  Why do I even matter?  School means nothing.  All I do is get grades by someone else’s standards.  Life means nothing anymore.  I am always filled with rage and hatred.  At the slightest misstep I lash my venom in the direction of a helpless victim.  What did they do to really deserve that?  I want to be surround yet still feel alone, so why not just be alone?  If I could leave this place where could I go?  I am wandering aimlessly in the valley of darkness with nothing to help me.  Sanity is a word I often ponder.  I don’t think at any point in my life I have ever been sane.  Not once have I ever felt normal, not once have I ever felt like I’m ok.  Writing is the only thing I have and yet not even it satisfies me.  I am never good enough or worthy enough at anything.  I may act all high and mighty on my throne above the rest peering down among the lowly, but really I feel as though my talents lack any merit at all.  My true masterpiece has yet to form and in my desperate search for my potential greatness I have to toil in the calamitous efforts of my failings.  To dream is to know and not live, but to live is to know and wish it could have been dreamt.  The forces of good and evil take to the fields of war inside me.  With each turn in the battle I change myself.  The tides of war control me.  The master of the house has taken leave to hover over these bloody proceedings.  Oh what violence men make.  The spirit of my soul has been stolen by the gatekeeper, locked away never to be returned.  I live every day in a prison cell unable break through the iron bars.  Time has become so blurred that days feel like weeks and weeks feel like days.  I have been gone from the land of my fore fathers for some time now and yet I feel as though I may have never lived there.  Nothing is as it seems.  The light of day feels warm and honest, spreading happiness to those who bask in its unrelenting splendor.  Yet the monotony of darkness has been bearer of wisdom.  Maybe the light hides its faults with its flashiness and sparkling awe?  Maybe the darkness is the true source of wisdom for which I have been seeking on my quest?  Either way I must enter the rabbit hole to find the answers I seek and am I prepared to do this? I am not ready for this but I am going to go through it anyways.  When I get to the end I will let you know how far this hole really goes.