Emptiness

I feel so empty now without alcohol and marijuana, like an empty piggy bank; if you dropped a quarter into me you could hear the clank as it the bottom and the incessant rattle until it finally came to rest.  I have jitters and twitches throughout the day as I fight the urge to use.  Walking through the grocery store today all I could see was the alcohol.  All I could see were the vast wine choices, beer, gin, rum and my good friend vodka.  I could not look away until I had scoped out each and every brand as well as each and every size bottle available for that brand.  Even on the drive home all I could see were liquors stores or alcohol advertisements.  I feel as though I am trapped by these thoughts of drinking and smoking.  Even when I am able to see a great friend and hang around with him, I still end up walking home sad.  What is to become of me?  Will I ever be happy?  I wish I had a crystal ball so I could see that down the road I’m fine and everything works out.  Right now I can only see as far as the present.  The future is so far away and out of touch.  The sad truth about my life right now is that I can’t even trust myself.  There is a force, greater than I, which has manifested itself in me ad is reeking havoc.  Like a parasite it multiplies and even finds ways to be reborn when an anecdote is found.  I am a carcass left in the desert to rot and be picked at by nomadic vultures.  Another day has gone and that means another day sober.  Another day survived and another day lived.