II

To even write this word makes my hand tremble.  To even think of such a thing at a time such as this would seem crazy.  FEAR.  What is fear?  It has so many forms that only someone much wiser than I could come close to describing it.  It stalks me like a shadow.  Consistently there even in my brightest moments.  I’m suppose to be having the time of my life, yet there is this thing, this creature that creeps up on me.  I suffer from it like it is the plague.  I cannot shake this illness even when I kill the source from which it came.  I have even left the very place from which was born, and yet it has found the means in which to follow me.  Prosperity always seems to be met with some misfortune and every success is met with a failure.  Oh God why have you forsaken me with this?  He never seems to be home to respond to my constant pleas.  I am left alone then on the dark side of the moon left to stare into the abyss, which never seems to end.  Is there a light out there for me?  Is there a cure for this raging cancer before it consumes what is left of me?  All hope is not lost yet.  Deep within me there is some life.  That small bit of magic will not go quietly.  I may be lost among the rows of tombstones, yet I am carrying a lamp and only need a match to lead me from here.  The search may be bleak, but I can’t give in; at least not without a fighting till the end. It has been hard to keep fighting lately.  The walls of security, which enclosed my life, have started to slowly crumble.  The invading forces are gaining ground every day and the defense is growing weaker.  The light that was once radiant is one breeze away from being blown out.  I have often thought about what happiness might actually feel like; what it would be like to wake up and smile about life and all it has to offer.  I feel as though I will never achieve this like other before me have.  Along my journey I have lost too much of myself to recover fully.  If you happen to be walking around on a beautiful day and happen to witness life’s perfection, please I beg of you to savor it; if anything at least for me.  The sunshine of your soul in that moment shall smile upon me and help me gather the pieces of mine.  If not, then pray for me while I’m consumed by an enemy which has seldom been defeated.  Wish me luck brothers and sisters as I make my final stand.  For I do this alone and I’m afraid that my courage has just about run out.